huh.. its been a while.. too long actually..

im sitting here.. tears in my eyes and for what?... dont you see? i love you, i always have.. i cant live without hearing from you.. but yet.. you stand your ground. i know you feel something, just let it loose.. let it take over.. everyday i think about you.. wherever i am or whatever i am doing.. you mean the world to me.. and youu know it.. just give me a chance to prove to you who i am.. 

(no subject)
 the way you speak, the way you look, the way you laugh, walk, get mad, be sarcastic... i love it all, i just get the heart to tell you.. as if you dont know already.. some people say in in over my head, others say i have a shot.. question is... do i really want you?.. or is it just some fantasy that i have? i just dont know... and im afraid if i keep waiting to find the answer, i will never get the chance... the bottom line is, i have something for you... i dont know what it is, bit its there... i just hope it wont be to late....

questions, proposals and answers?
 right now im sitting in my bed... listening to one of my fave bands parkway drive... i dont really know what im going to say in this post.. maybe i just need somewhere to articulate my thoughts.. i dunno..

i feel... close to my friends but at the same time feel distant.. i feel as if i have either been misinformed or not even been told something... maybe there is no drama in our group atm... that would be weird.. theres always something going on.. and to be honest.. i like it that way, i like giving advise and knowing that my friends can always come to me if they need help.. od just for a talk...maybe its the only time where everyone is happy?,, then why arnt i happy?.. do i only become happy when i see others suffer?.. am i that selfish?.. no i am not, i become happy when i know i have helped in one way or another.. but if there is nothing to help with.. how can i be happy?.. maybe this is the sign that i am actually looking for a relationship... i mean, i know i have been, i just never really knew why the feeling suddenly came.. and i thought it came a long time ago... but i have been wrong.. i was more ''in love'' with the friendship me and the person i had feelings for (well thought i did).. now.. i dunno now.. i mean, i have some sort of felling for another person... (this is the person i have been referring to in my older posts) i just dont know if its her im in love with or the friendship... i have something for her.. no doubt about that, i just got to find it.. and when i do, what will i do then?... i know she does not want a relationship so what do i do?.. do i continue to search within myself ask ask if i do have a strong connection.. do i just up right tell her right now.. or do i just sorget her?... i dunno.. i want to find out soon

as you can prob tell, im very confused atm... i have so many questions about who i am and what im going t do.. some of which i honestly dont think will get answered..but isn't that what life is?.. just a big question? 

hollow feeling..
 so for the past couple of weeks, ive been stuck at home, i couldent do anything last week because we were on work exp.. me, being the lazy person i am.. did not get work exp.. so i had to spend a whole week at school, if i dident, i would of been in trouble with my rents.. anyway.. last week and this week i feel alone... its probably because i havent had a full face to face conversation with any of my friends (bar one..out of our whole group).. its just made me relise that i depend on them so much to get me through my day.... and i learnt today that we are moving house...ill still be going to the same school (thank god) but ill be living much further away from any of my friends... how could i possibly be happy living further away from them if im not even happy living this close to them and not seeing them..... i dunno.. i just feel like ive missed out on something..

and the girl situation is not helping either.. i have not seen her in 2 weeks.. its killing me, im not ready to tell her how i feel about her just yet, but i just want to be around her, to talk to her face to face... luckily its our friends birthday tomorrow, so we are going to the city.. ill see her then :)

im just sick of being in this house... but i dont want to leave for good... ive lived here all my life... i just need to get out more often, but not for too long.. i just feel empty and alone... hopefully, the second week of the holidays will be more fun... even though im going to our holiday house for 3 days and cant take anyone with me... but ah well... 


being pushed over the edge..
 a week ago, some moron couldn't hack the fact that i stood up to him

well the real story is... i was walking to the other side door of the corridor we call the b wing because the teacher locked the doors on the other side, anyway.. i was walking up the ramp to the door to get in to the b wing.. right in front of the door.. this guy and his friend were mucking around, pushing each other from side to side.. i told them to move and pushed them out of the way... since then.. this guy has been giving me crap.. pushing and bumping me every time we pass each other, i had enough, so i said to myself.. next time.. bump him, instead when he come to get me.. so i did... then.. just coz he couldn't hack the fact i stood up and that a smaler guy was sticking up to him.. he grabs me around the neck and pushes me into a locker.. i grabbed him hand pushed him back.. before i knew it... people were around us.. my friends pulling us apart, his ''friends'' egging him on... then the coordinator came and broke it off.. i was already an emotional wreck that day coz of stress from home and school.. my emotions went haywire.. i walked out of the b wing.. it was pouring rain... my friends followed me and asked me if i was ok.. adrenaline kicked in at that time and i was already angry, but i managed to maintain myself.. i went the other way to my locker... one of my best friends.. sister really (i love her like one) came up to me and gave me a hug.. i broke down... i started to cry... i got so angry at myself for not only what happened but about school and everything ive done.. i went all out on the locker next to mine.. i just kept hitting it... my sister was there to witness it.. after i stopped she gave me a tight hug, i was crying in her arms.. i didn't care who saw us or what anyone said or thought.. i just wanted to stay in her arms and cry.. then the coordinator told me to get in her office.. i told her the story and me and that guy got a suspension... 

now.. just coz he could live up to him ''tough guy'' reputation, he has to flip at the slitest sign of resistance? now who's the bigger man?.. i will not be pushed over the edge, i will not let some moron harm me or anyone else coz of him ''reputation''  he said i disrespected him. im 100% sure that he would of done the same thing if two people got in him way... i am not imitated by him and he knows it.. and he hates it too... i just dont undertand these people these days.. everyone knows i would not harm anyone or anything.. but if am idiot like that comes along and tries to pick on me coz of his ''reputation'' and ego.. i will stand up

i want to say thank you to all my friends.. honestly.. that day, the way i was, i dont know what i would of done, so thank you from the bottom of my heart... to my lil sis.. no words can describe how much i love you and how much i care about you... thank you so so so much for everything, and if you need anything at all. im here.. i love you karly.. dont you forget it..

how much i love my friends..
i have the best friends in the world.. and thats an understatement...seriously, how lucky am i to have the best group of friends in the entier universe... they all mean so much to me.. and even though i know there will be hard times with all of them.. i know we will prevail.. we are not just a group of friends, we are family.. nothing will ever get between us, and if something does, we will defeat it as one... i love all my brothers and sisters so so much it hurts :)

happy thoughts :)
 well today (technically yesterday) im a year older... 17... man, i remember this time last year.. i think grow a lot this past year, not just in maturity but ive grown a lot personality ways as well... i know who i am and what i will and will not fight for.. something i didn't know a year ago.. i still have many questions about myself and about life itself but i know one day i will find the answers.... i have also grown with my friends, we are more like  family than friends now, and today really showed my how much my friends really care and love me, its just when things get complicated i get tangled up, but im sure i will learn to manage that to... im only 17 after all :P 

clearing my head..
these two days have been pretty good to me... i saw a friend that havent seen in a while yesterday, it was good to see him, since he left school i dont.. well we all dont see him often, so it was good...

got one more exam to go.. media.. since i enjoy media, im pretty confident, but still... meh, i should be fine 

the girl... since the other day.. ive completely fallen for her... dont know what im going to do about it yet... but still, im smiling today :)   

a sigh of relief.... for the moment..
today i had my English exam, i hope i did well in it.. otherwise its going to be last year all over again.. i want to do well at school and i do try but sometimes i just dont get there... my perents think that if i do badly in one exam its the end of the world.. its not like that sick and tired of always hearing the same stuff.. you better do good mil... you better pass mil...i know what i am doing and know what im capable of.. i dont need someone watching over my solder all the time..

but enough of my school life..

im finding myself more and more ''in love'' with this girl day by day... when i came home today.. she was the only person i could think about.. i just dont know what to do...


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